Monday, 9 April 2012

The Toby Young People Like Us Free School Newsletter

Our headparent hard at work
Dear Parents,  I'm delighted to say that our Free School has been up and running for some time now and is a roaring success on all counts.  We have nearly as many pupils as there are Free Schools (20) and anticipate recruiting more (the memsahib and I are hard at it).

We may be looking to revise our teacher recruitment policies in the coming months. As you know, we took full advantage of our Government's leave to recruit a few teachers who would supply what we need: discipline, sound academic values, willing to work for less than a trained teacher. That has worked well in some cases: Madame Pompadour is enormously popular with the boys and, I believe, shows a healthy appetite for the world of work by exploring a second career in interpretive dance, offering private lessons to tired businessmen. It's that kind of thinking that made Britain great!

We have, to our deep regret, been let down badly by Mr Uppham, head of our nascent PE department. He has moved at short notice to somewhere in Thailand. I do want you to know that the stories in the local press are malicious (you certainly won't be seeing them in the Daily Mail) and no boys were seriously marked. A hand is just a hand, after all, whether trousers intervene or not.

Moving on, we hope to recruit his replacement at NCO level from amongst redundant troops. Good discipline will atone for lack of birth and it does children good to learn to understand people like Geordies (from Newcastle), Scousers (Liverpool) and Brummies (north of Leicestershire, I believe - will check when we have a geog teacher). Those of our boys who do less well may be forced to stand in Northern constituencies one day so it's all grist to the mill.

My little joke there: none of our ex-pupils will ever have to visit Liverpool. LOL.

I must also talk of respect for teachers. I am most disappointed by the attitude of several pupils! Teachers are not expected to be of our class or have parents' range of attainments and interests. Nor are they to be mocked after changes to tax credits mean most earn less than a fourth-former's weekly pocket money. I have raised this matter with my governors and made sure that steps will be taken. Expect to see that little Singh boy a lot quieter or he'll be out of the door when we find another pupil!

The curriculum is coming along in leaps and bounds. One of our governors, Mr Bubba Hogstrafer, has sourced a fine supply of text books from his native Alabama. These offer an admirably straightforward view of the world and indeed its origins. They may cost a little more than the larger tomes used in neighbouring state schools but one must expect to pay to remove the left-wing pseudo-scientific claptrap that mars everything from biology to physics. As Mr Hogstrafer says, "we have climate, we've always had climate, no change there."

The Paul Dacre Media Unit was opened by its patron last month with a typically robust speech (hence why the pupils weren't invited). I'd like to reassure governor Lady Agnes fitzWell that he was using dialect speech to make his points, stout chap that he is, and a wonderful editor of a great British newspaper.

To close on a happy note, the School Fête was a roaring success. Pin the tail on Milliband did very well, as did the lemonade stand. Well done Young Junior!

Yours in Christ and Free Education,

Toby Young


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